Friend of Dorothy

Home for the holi-gays

Dear Friend of Dorothy,

Just another nonbinary lesbian who has to endure holidays home with their republican family and would love tips on how to survive!

Best,

home for the holi-gays

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Dear home for the holi-gays,

I do not know the ins and outs of your childhood bedroom, the redeeming or even charming memories from your family dinners, or the amount of emotional (or possibly) financial support you receive from your family. I do not know if you are out as a nonbinary lesbian to them or remain closeted, or the extent to which you have the desire/need to feel seen by your family at this point in time.

However, I do know this–you do not have to talk about anything you do not want to talk about; you do not have to go anywhere you do not want to go; you do not have to pretend to be anyone you are not; and most importantly, you DO NOT need to prove yourself to anyone.

You are worthy of love just by existing; there is nothing you need to do to earn belonging. You are here on this earth, and therefore, you have found belonging. Let me offer you comfort by saying I am so proud of you for living your life on your terms and creating the physical space between your origin’s beliefs and your life now. It is not easy to do, but you have made space for yourself to explore, create, and build a life that you are yourself within; it’s incredible!

I want this to be an actionable column. A place my readers see as not only a comfort, but also a way to genuinely acquire useful information. So I want to offer you, my Friend of Dorothy-approved-guide on how to exist within a republican household as a non-binary lesbian: I call it the JANE DOE method…

I want to preface this by saying the JANE DOE is aptly named because it provides the user with the tools in order to have some anonymity, or rather, a sense of emotional removal if they so choose. It is a series of made-up steps that are customizable for your own well-being. I can give you all the advice in the world, but only you know yourself well enough to know what amount of vulnerability is safe in this situation….take it or leave it, here you go:

J is for Just don’t Go–Before you leave the creature comforts of your found family and beautiful queer oasis…I want you to sit for a moment and ask yourself this: Do I really have to go? And do I really want to go? If the answer is no on both fronts, congratulations!! You don’t have to go! Your problem is solved. If the answer is even a little bit of yes, because life is complicated, and family stuff rarely comes with surety… Continue reading…

A is for Ask for help–Before you return home, I want you to call whomever you feel the safest within your immediate family, and do a temperature check. Ask who in your extended family you will be celebrating this year, ask where you will be sleeping, ask ask ask ask ask. This way, you are able to minimize any surprises that may come your way in terms of the general visit home, as well as connect with this person before you arrive. This conversation looks different for everyone, and can include as little or as much about your own needs as you feel necessary. For instance, if it is safe and comfortable to do so, this could be a great time to remind your trusted family member about your pronouns, chosen name, etc., and ask to be addressed with that in mind; if not by everyone present, at least by them. Having just one person you feel safe with can change the entire trip.

N is for Need a break? Take it - When you have arrived home, the emotions will be high, and the feelings will be present. Do your best to self-soothe by taking alone time, or at least time away from the family. Go on walks, look at some birds, look at some trees, thrift if you’re able, call old friends if you want to–remember that you are in charge of your own life and you are an adult. You don’t need to be around your family the entire time.

E is for Engage? - The question mark is imperative here. It sounds as though your family is going to have a plethora of obstacles for you to juggle; possibly some inappropriate questions about your identity, perhaps some loud discussions about political opinions that you do not share, and definitely some good old-fashioned guilt-tripping mind-fuckery that makes you feel not only confused but also like somehow you’re in the wrong? My advice to you in these instances is DON’T TAKE THE BAIT. You will know when someone is asking a genuine question, wanting to genuinely see your side of things, or simply unaware of the harm in their words. That’s a beautiful moment of possible connection where you may be able to have an interesting and enlightening discussion with someone who wants to know you truly, or may need a new perspective on the world today that they have not been able to find in their current circles. That’s so amazing. This is where growth lives. This is when you may choose to engage. But be aware, in the world today, that is not always the case. There are rage-baiters who will identify a queer person and do whatever they can to make this person defend themselves. Always remember–It is not your responsibility to defend your person. Your person needs no defense. It is always okay to excuse yourself simply by saying, “I don’t feel like talking about that,” or if that feels too confrontational, simply make an excuse and walk away. You don’t owe them the effort

D is for Decompress again - I cannot stress this enough. Go for a walk, spend some time on the phone, do a gratitude practice. Anything…..

O is for Oh well! - If you’re anything like me, letting go does not come easy…This is a reminder from me to you that even though it’s frustrating and confusing, and emotionally fraught, you may not be able to change everyone’s minds. It would be absolutely incredible if you did (and if so, please write back to me and let me know, that would be amazing.) However, that is not usually the case. People grow on their own terms, and no matter what you do, say, or share, it is their job to open their hearts. If you do engage, know you are making more effect than you can see on this one trip… even if the points you make are shot down without being heard, know they could be remembered. It’s all progress. For the holidays, focus the majority of your energy on your own safety within the family dynamic.

E is for Ethereal and Exit – This is your exit pep talk. Remember: when you leave this visit, no matter what happened, you are still your ethereal self. Know when it is time to go and float away with all of your being intact. It is such a beautiful thing to be the creator of your own creature. Queerness is such an intricate and delicate process of self-discovery that sets us up for a future of deep self-knowledge and the ability to change, grow, and adapt, so don’t get stuck in the muck of their fear. You will know when it’s time to go. Go celebrate with your found family and gossip about the family intricacy–I promise you’re not alone in it.

It is a gift to be let into the complexities of your world, and if your family can’t understand it, you have no obligation to share it with them. Do what feels right. Oh, and also, happy holidays!

Yours,

A Friend of Dorothy

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