Friend of Dorothy

January's advice column

Dear Friend of Dorothy,

How ethical is phone sex with your ex? (Lesbian asking)

Best,

C

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Dearest C,

The reality of running an advice column is that I will never know the full story. I can only answer the question with my own investigation, experiences, and values. Everyone has work to do regarding attachment, and everyone has things to learn. Walking the line of intimacy with a former partner always takes effort to be fulfilling for all parties. That is the first thing to note–what you are asking is not about ethics so much as it is about personal attachments, feelings, and the possibility of hurting someone you care about. Am I really the person you should be asking this question to? The truth is, you already most likely know what to do next–it just may be a hard truth to swallow.

Phone sex is a beautiful, gorgeous art form that spans eras and can be translated into many mediums. It’s spontaneous, delightful, thrilling, and somehow always feels risky–which of course, only makes it hotter. The fact that it’s with your ex? What a thrill! In terms of that, all I can say is congratulations. I bet it’s amazing, and that’s why you’re stressed out about the surrounding ties.

Now, ethically speaking, if you are both consenting adults with no commitments to outside individuals who would consider phone sex with an ex-lover a betrayal, then you have no real reason to worry about morality on a large scale spectrum.

However, because you asked me this question, I have reason to believe you may be stressed about someone’s feelings getting hurt. My dearest C, take it from me, it is very hard to walk the line of rekindled intimacy with someone you have already split from in one way or another. It’s imperative to have clear, honest, and ongoing communication about each of your separate boundaries, commitments, and levels of expectations. The two of you have already been emotionally intertwined, and those connections, though partially severed, still exist. You must accept that truth.

Friend to friend–nobody is a perfect person, and not even I, a friend of Dorothy, have all the answers. I have no judgment for you and your ex because how could I? It is okay to be messy, it is okay to admit you don’t know, it is okay to admit you’ve offered somebody all you are able. We, as people, are meant to figure it out as we go. But in all of this forgiveness, the most important truth to discover in any situation is just what you want–and how to communicate that honestly to the person you are intimate with. And no, I’m not talking about just what you want sexually–I’m talking about the big picture stuff.

When you are able to communicate your wants, needs, hopes, fears, etc., directly to your ex, the question of ethics will fade, and instead, you will both be left with the truth of your desires. If it’s just phone sex on both ends, amazing! But if someone wants more, then the conversation will open into something different–it may be hard, but it’s worth it to know. It’s worth it to be honest. Your time and your heart are precious entities, and both are worthy of possibility.

I often think back on the many phone conversations I had with my ex when she was living in another country, and we were walking the line between being together and broken up. We were both too scared of loss to speak clearly with each other about our needs, and it kept us in a liminal love affair that spanned years. If we had both been honest about the realities of our desire, recognized that they were different, and let the other one go, it could’ve saved us a lot of heartache. All that said, we were 20, and it would’ve also cost us a lot of beauty and adventure. We were meant to do that work together; it was just part of it. You and your heart know how to handle this situation better than I can advise. All I can say is for the meantime, be as kind as you can to one another while you figure it out.

Eventually, whether with each other or with another loving partnership, you will find a relationship that holds both stability and adventure with a simultaneous ease. It’s never going to be effortless; you may never know the right thing to do. But you can be caring to others while you figure it out.

Yours,

A Friend of Dorothy

Advice column graphic by: Dylan Bowden