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Dear Friend of Dorothy, 

How do I know if the person I’m dating and I are too similar for a sustainable partnership?

Best, 

Anonymous Caller 

Dear Anonymous Caller, 

There are many paths and pairs that lead to sustainable partnership, and unfortunately, there is no singular formula that can ensure a lifelong love fest. The complexity of each individual’s lived experience is far too vast and varied for me to answer your question with a yes or a no. 

I’m sure, like me, you have been witness to a variety of couples who look, talk, act, and enjoy things as if they are each other's reflection. I see this especially in elderly couples, and it makes my eyes watery every time. To view the true intimacy of tangible time through the example of a couple who have spent the majority of their life sleeping together in a shared bed. I feel blessed when I witness two older women with matching haircuts, sweaters, and shoes walking hand in hand through the West Village. I love the 60-year-olds rollerblading together in Prospect Park. There’s an older couple in Portland, Oregon, who figure skate at the mall rink together and have been doing so since I was a little kid. 

Change is inevitable, and it’s unsurprisingly lucky when two people have put enough acts of love into a partnership that they are able to move towards those changes in tandem. It is rarer, however, that you begin a partnership with a level of habitual recognition that causes discomfort, issues, and possible splintering. 

Your question’s phrasing prompts me to believe that this recognized similarity has already caused friction between the two of you, so I can imagine this friction is either stemming from:

1. A competitive gatekeeping instinct (if you are engaged in the same hobbies).

2. An inability to successfully process conflict due to having the same processing style.

3. No one’s making the first move, and it’s killing your sex life.

Working backward, if you are finding that neither person is good at initiating physical touch, and sex is something you value in romantic relationships, I suggest you have an open conversation about desire. This is most likely not an issue about the two of you being too similar; it is more likely that the issue is a matter of two people-pleasers attempting to mirror each other, and there is no room for honest desire when that much anticipation is being processed in real time. Speak honestly and make it a point to discover the differences between each other’s desires. Sexuality is complex, expansive, challenging, and ever-evolving. You may be less alike than it seems, and this may be the perfect place to start acknowledging some truths.

If you are experiencing an inability to “get through” to the repair after conflict, this could be because you both have very similar or nearly identical attachment issues that keep popping up. It could be both the thing that attracts you to each other, while simultaneously keeping you feeling as if the relationship has about as much forward mobility as a beached whale in low tide. 

To be in partnership is to be an active witness. You are inviting each other into shared space and asking for opinions. It’s vulnerable, uncomfortable, and can be extremely rewarding if you move into their life with kindness. You cannot begin a partnership with the expectation or desire that someone will eventually change or “heal” aspects of themselves in order for the relationship to work. You want to move towards a partnership that feels as easy as possible in the beginning, with the occasional bump or hiccup. My therapist used to say, If it is challenging in the first three months, it will be challenging for a lifetime. 

However, I believe in nuance, especially when the issue lies in challenges that circulate around a collection of shared similarities. Soooo, if this is someone you love and who you truly want to make it work with, you’re going to have to challenge each other. For instance, if your partner is upset about something, instead of acting from your first instinct, ask yourself what your friends and loved ones would do for you in that situation. If you believe you are the same, outsource what you have been taught by those who know how to love you. Always move from a space of curiosity. If you are disinterested in their complexities, they are not the one for you. It will also be helpful to handle one person’s feelings in the relationship at a time during conflict. Make the active choice to listen and offer kindness and any reassurance you can, and then ask for the same space when you share your feelings. When everything is out in the open, literally say out loud: ‘now let’s make a repair’ and figure out what you both need to do for each other to feel connected again. Never people please, if something cannot be repaired, don’t force it. It will take active effort in order to create space for two people who have the same instinctual tendencies and mindsets–but it’s not impossible. If, after everything, there still seems to be an incompatibility, that’s not a failure; it’s what dating is all about. Sometimes you really want it to work, and it just doesn’t.It’s heartbreaking and disappointing, but ultimately helpful for figuring out what kinds of personality traits are going to keep you feeling secure enough to traverse hard moments for long enough to build something sustainable. It’s possible, I promise.

Finally, if you have an overlap of shared interests that seems extensive enough to cause concern, that’s just something you’re either going to get over or you won’t. There is a way to be both birdwatching poets who play the violin and still be individuals. Once you stop competing and start celebrating your shared space, you will quickly realize what a blessing it is to be able to speak all the same languages. You will both go out into the world and bring home new skills for the two of you to acquire in tandem, and there will be new paths that only one of you will take pleasure in. Then someday in the far future, you will be old and still in love, retired at the park with your violins, playing for the birds every Sunday afternoon. Your presence will be making young people everywhere swoon with wonder and awe. How are those people so in love and so aligned after so many years? 

There is no way to know for sure if you are too similar to one another. Intimacy comes with time, and time is quite intimate in its intricacies.  You will know with time if this is a long-term partner. You may already even have the answer, it just may not be the one you wanted. 

Yours,

Friend of Dorothy