Friend of Dorothy

The perfect first date formula

Dear Friend of Dorothy,

What’s your perfect first date formula?

Best,

404

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Dear 404,

Well, well, well…how did my readers know that I was in possession of a perfect first date recipe!???

Just kidding, I am fully aware that I posted about having a ‘perfect first date formula’ just HOPING someone would ask. I mean, come on, it’s the month of Valentine’s Day! I love love! And as a retired serial dater, it seems like my role is now to share with the public what worked for me and what didn’t. This date outline has been a long, well-kept Carmine family secret since 2019, when I was newly 18, swiping on Tinder and beginning my long journey into the world of app-based dating.

Keep in mind, this is a first-date outline that works well for me because I designed it for myself. However, when I invented this approach, many people (including my own mother) swore by it. So, keep an open mind! I believe it will be especially helpful for those who are nervous, newly getting back out there, or are trying the apps for the first time. If you have a hard time speaking up or asserting your desires on dates (that was always my issue), this could be a good way to set yourself up for success and clear a path for the revelation of attraction, or the lack thereof. Again, this formula is open to any personal interpretation, edits, and general changes needed to make it the perfect first-date formula for you. Okay, now let’s get into it!

Remember: first dates are wonderful experiences designed to challenge us to connect with someone new and to practice extending curiosity about someone’s life. Even if you do not have chemistry on a first date, you will still have the gift of getting to know a bit about the life of someone you otherwise would not have known. This is why we date–to learn about other people’s lives and keep ourselves open to the possibility of connection. A lot of this advice will sound blunt, but first dates are usually not as romantic as you want them to be–they’re question marks hovering between two people who have admitted physical attraction and curiosity about one another. First dates should be thought of as an opening of the door, rather than the act of walking through it.

Step one: Suggest a cafe or bar that you frequent enough to feel comfortable in. It’s ideal to choose a beverage-based business because you do not yet know this person, so there is no reason to make the time commitment of a full meal. Coffee allows you to be in a physical space and share a conversation with someone new, without any anxiety about how the date will go. Asking someone out for coffee is a way of saying,” I don’t know you, and you don’t know me–so let’s give each other a chance to decide whether we’d like to know each other before agreeing to anything more.” Make sure the place you pick has space to sit without lots of chaos. Also, do your best to choose a first location not too far away from your house–that way, you have less of an excuse to cancel if you get nervous beforehand (traveling to the date is always the most daunting part). And, if the date goes poorly, you can get home quickly after, without it taking up too much of your time. If they pick the place? Never fear, the rest of the steps are still applicable to you.

Step two: Arrive at the agreed-upon location 10-15 minutes before the time you both said you would show up. Bring something with you to occupy your time; whether that is your knitting, a sketchbook, sudoku, the crossword, a book, etc. Then order your own drink and find a cozy place to sit and chill. Arrange your hair, take off your coat, etc., etc. Save them a seat, but genuinely try to convince yourself that you have come to this location to enjoy your own company. This is all to establish a sense of calm empowerment and to soften any expectations. That way, when they arrive, they will see you sitting, already busy, already with a coffee, and begin to question if you are waiting on them at all. I recommend this step HIGHLY for all people pleasers, or daters who have an insatiable need to be desired by everyone. It allows you to start the date off with an air of self-sufficiency that is rarely felt by people who bend to the whims of others. Plus, it lets you skip the awkward small talk that happens between meeting and ordering, as well as the question of who’s paying. You both order separately, pay for your own drinks, and then sit and talk with each other without distractions.

Step three: Now comes the hardest part: after 30 minutes, decide if you truly like talking to the person across from you. Notice if they’re making you laugh, if they’re asking you questions, if they’re flirtatious in a way that doesn’t come off as overwhelming, but instead is just an acknowledgement of attraction–these are all great signs. On the other hand, if they are saying things you don’t agree with, are trauma dumping, are completely silent, or are only talking about themselves? It’s time to call it quits; you got the information you were looking for, and there’s no need to push it further. It is also okay to admit you feel more like a friend to this person, but can’t imagine kissing them. By going out for coffee or a drink, you made a one-hour commitment, and it will come to a natural conclusion when the drinks are done. No second round is needed. Thank them for their time and say it was nice meeting them, but don’t lead them on into thinking another date will happen if you already know it won’t. Or, acknowledge that you would love to be friends, but don’t feel the natural attraction. And, if you are having a good time–possibly an exceptional time, and do want to kiss this person…then we continue to step four.

Step four: So, the date is going well, you’re feeling flirty, your first beverage is done–but the conversation is still flowing. This is your time to do one of two things.

Option one: If it’s winter, and the energy in the cafe/bar is good? Stay for another drink. This time, though, offer to go and get the drinks for both of you. When you return, reposition your seating arrangements so that there is more opportunity for physical contact. This being said, don’t get too close and DON’T be creepy. Just sit back down with proximity that invites a knee touch, etc.

Option two: If it’s nice out, or you’re fed up with the place you’re at? Offer a walk to the nearest park, bar, bookstore, etc., and maybe pick up deli snacks on your way. The important thing is that you are walking to a place you can eventually sit at, whether it’s on the grass, in a cozy bookstore corner, or on a bench watching recreational adult sports. When you do sit, and if the flirtation is still going, sit a little bit closer together. Shoulder touch, knee touch. Nothing too direct or presumptuous, just an opportunity to feel some electric energy happening.

Step Five: Our final, and most embarrassingly specific step of the first date formula. This is where it all comes together. Mind you, this step only works if there is chemistry happening between the two of you. If you have already giggled at each other, making eye contact, and been flirtatious for at least an hour and a half, you’re ready for step five.

As you’re sitting at either your second location or at your first location, but in a slightly closer arrangement, notice when the conversation moves to something possibly visual. I’m talking about something on your camera roll: a dog, your newest painting, a shirt you have that’s funny. ANYTHING you have a visual of. When this moment in conversation comes up, you’re going to offer to show them a photo; however, as we know, phone screens are very small, so this is when you’re going to get CLOSE to them. To both see the visual aid simultaneously, you’re going to have to sit very closely next to them and show them whatever it is on your phone. Then, once the photo is put away, don’t move away. Stay where you are and do your best to notice if they are instigating more or less physical contact. If they are staying close to you and the flirtation is still going on, this is the perfect moment to ask, “Can I kiss you?” And if you have read the signs right, this is most likely when you guys will start making out (respectfully) in a public setting. Hell yeah. Sparks are flying. You’ve done it. Now that the nervous energy has calmed, you have both hurdled the wall that is the first kiss, and you can relax into the ease that comes after it. This is where I leave you, the outline is over, and you may move through the rest of your date on your own terms.

I believe the biggest fumble in any first date is either letting it go on too long, or not kissing until the goodbye, even if it’s obvious you are going to kiss at the end. If at any point you want to leave a date? This is me just granting you permission to go. You don’t owe a first date anything.

And on the other hand, don’t wait to kiss someone until the end of it. Part of the beauty of a first kiss is that it is the acknowledgement of an energy and attraction between two people that invites comfort and more natural dialogue in its wake. If you kiss only when you are saying goodbye, you are missing out on the bonding moment of sitting together and speaking out loud about your attraction. It’s the best part of any first kiss! The sweetness of two people in shock after. Plus, you’re missing out on the possibility to kiss goodbye with surety rather than wonder.

Happy Valentine’s Day. Take what works here, and leave what doesn’t.

Most importantly, go fall in love.

Yours,

A Friend of Dorothy