Friend of Dorothy

Springtime speed round

Inspired by Jemima Jo Kirke's column 'Tender Tips' in Elle: I bring you a very non-earnest, springtime speed round…

Dear Friend of Dorothy,

"How do I say no to my boss when there's already too much on my plate?"

Instead of saying no, ask for help or fake an injury.

"How do I get over my ex? :(( "

Stop making them the muse of your life. 

Instead, pick something from nature, or someone you will never meet. 

"I have 3 men blocked on my phone. Does this mean I need a taser?"

Blocked men tend to exist primarily on phones. 

You could get a taser app? Check back in when you surpass 10. 

"Is it ok to live for the weekend?"

Life is long and winding. 

Live for anything that brings you joy, and doesn't hurt yourself or others.

"How can I reconnect with the kind of gay I was in middle school?"

Wear more novelty socks, get an undercut, and start speaking openly about the fanfiction you're reading. 

"Why do the shy ones always give the best head?" 

Less time talking means more time on tongue rest.

"Can people really change?"

Only if you change along with them, perspective is key.

"How many forehead kisses until you are actually in a relationship?"

No correlation. 

"Have we lost dancing?"

I haven't! Have you? People will join in if you really commit to it. And if you're really committed to it and nobody joins, you won't notice because you'll be having too much fun dancing.

"Did I fail if I never moved out of my hometown/city?"

Don't question happiness if you feel it. 

Success is a personal experience; there is no universal structure.

"Is it ok to hookup with someone that your friend also hooked up with if you had fucked them first?" 

'What came first, the chicken or the egg?' type of question. Yes, unless love was ever involved–then maybe. Have you considered a threesome?

"Should I be reading more?"

We should all be reading aloud to our lovers, hookups, friends, family, and children more often. 

"What is your fav fragrance? (and for what occasion)?"

My boyfriend's sweat. For the occasion of waking up.

"How do you deal with wanting to call your parents more than they want to talk to you?"

Start calling your grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins for parental advice. Your parents will get jealous and circle back to you. 

"How do you know if it's time to quit your job?"

If you are unhappy and have found a new job, and/or have enough savings to support yourself until you find a new job.

"What do you do with the feelings of loss and grief for somebody still around but not close?"

Befriend everyone they know until they are eventually forced to either become close to you again or you discover they aren't as cool as you remember, and then you have a chill new group of close friends. 

Yours, 

A Friend of Dorothy