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Dear Friend of Dorothy, 

Hi, I'm bi and I have known since I was 7 years old, but I didn't tell anyone till I was in my twenties. I didn't think being bisexual was real, because people kept telling me bi people were straight people trying to co-opt queer culture. I have been in love with women, wanted to have sex with women, and wanted to be in a relationship with women. Every time I go on a dating app and I choose my preferences and say I am bi, no women like my profile or will match with me when I like them. I have since heard that no queer women want to be with a bisexual woman because they are not "fully gay". That is coming from my gay friends. How should I pursue dating women when I can't even open the door? 

Best, 

C.R.

Dear C.R.,

Oftentimes, the modern world likes to imagine it exists only in categorizable terms. 

Capitalistic society demands one singular truth. It wants a binary, it wants the explainable, it wants to define the people that exist inside of it as one thing or another. It attempts to eradicate dual meaning and resistance to anything that fails to fit on one side or another of the spectrum. 

However, this is not, has not, and will never be our reality as long as we exist within the complexity of the human form. We as people are paradoxical beings that shift and grow and change indefinably. We are allowed, and should be encouraged, to exist outside of the confines of one singular desire. 

As queer people, we are often asked to define ourselves and our every desire to an extent that pushes us further into a box than straight people ever have to go. We are asked if we are “tops,” “bottoms,” “femmes,” “butches,” etc. And though this ability to speak truth to identity for many is empowerment and community, for others it feels impossible to find belonging within a category. For many, our identities and definitions exist in the grey areas, outside of binaries, and without the ability to stand firmly in place.

It’s more important now than ever for queer people to build community without exclusivity, the necessity of categorization that pushes the binary, or the need to “choose a side.” Judgement still exists within gay spaces everywhere; the amount of tension is oftentimes shocking because it’s unexpected to feel pushed out of the community you expected to find solace in. It is jarring for those who have recently come out, and infantilizing for those who stand assured in their preferences but are still considered a “baby gay” or outside of the “queer experience” because their sexuality is not a hard 6 on the kinsey scale. 

The truth is, there are an infinite amount of ways to be gay. I love being queer because it is the space that I grew up within. For my entire adolescence, I struggled with my self-definition. I referred to myself as a lesbian, as bi, as trans-masc, as a femme lesbian, and back again—always in loops, always changing. I was frustrated with myself for never being able to stop changing. I wanted so badly to be able to put myself in a category and feel at home, to feel stabilized within the label; yet all the while, I failed to realize that if I zoomed out even just a little, no matter what, I was always circulating and transforming under the umbrella of queerness. Eventually, after some time, a lot of therapy, and a gender-affirming surgery, I got to the point where I was able to see myself as myself: a queer individual who is able to shift and change and grow within my identity, and remain queer and myself all the while.

Our range and diversity in the queer community is vast and wild. There is no right way to be gay, no way to measure the validity of an identity against another identity—and if someone is asking that of you or implying that you need to change your sexuality in order to be seen as a suitable option? I’d say that person is not for you. Get out of there and find the people in which your person is not a point of argumentation. 

The truth is, you know who you are–you said it yourself. You’ve known you were bisexual since you were seven. No one can text away or discredit that type of internal knowledge. Coming from someone who’s bisexual themselves and has dated a wide range of genders and sexualities, there are many people out there besides cis men who have no issues, negative feelings, or holdups dating someone bisexual. Much like queerness, preference ranges from person to person and anyone put off by your identity? That’s not someone you want to surround yourself with anyways. 

Bisexuality is a valid, gorgeous, fluid and expansive place to be. Sexualities and preferences cannot be compared, or contrasted—we’re all too different and that’s why queerness is so rich and beautiful! 

Keep doing everything you're doing and don’t let external judgements narrow your mindset. Queerness is so wonderful because of, and not in spite of, its multiplicity of identities.

Take care, 

Friend of Dorothy